Loose Guide: How to think differently (no cringey positive affirmations necessary)
How to flip the script on negative thoughts
Loose Guides are where I share insights from coaching psychology—aka stuff I think they should teach us in schools. They’re called loose guides because while I am an EMCC-accredited transformative coach who invests heavily in Continuing Professional Development, I don’t a) claim to be an expert on the topics I cover (I’m not a therapist or psychologist) or b) dish out prescriptive advice. My invitation is to hold perspectives lightly, take or leave what does/doesn’t resonate, and feel free to point out any mistakes I’ve made if you are an expert!
When I started “slow publishing” Messy Work, I thought about setting an editorial theme for each monthly issue. I decided it would feel a bit too restrictive…and I realised that the idea was most likely influenced by false depictions of fashion magazines in the romcoms I watched growing up.
But as I’ve put each issue together, I’ve found that my three posts (a Messy Essay, a Loose Guide, and Ideas People) have a habit of speaking to each other.
This month, I wrote a personal essay about radical unsubscribing—something my guest on Ideas People, Mary Alice Duff, enacted when she quit her life in the U.S. to slow down in the South of France.
In it, I touch on the invisible, often inherited “subscriptions” we hold in our own minds: the outdated beliefs passed down to us through generations, the negative thoughts we cling to because their familiarity is more comfortable than challenging them (no matter how paradoxically uncomfortable they make us feel).
Now, the self-help world has made much of “rewiring your brain”, “adopting a different mindset”, or “thinking positive”. So I’ll caveat this guide by saying that we cannot simply press the eject button on all our undesired thought patterns, and play a new CD. In fact, I would question the very language we use to describe our thoughts through binaries like negative or positive.
As I’ve written about here, our thoughts come from different parts of us, all of which are (in admittedly perplexing ways) trying to protect us. Most of this is rooted in primal, neurobiological survival (it’s just that some of our instinctive responses have become a bit warped and unnecessary now we no longer have to contend with sabre tooth tigers).
But the good thing is that, precisely because of our neurobiology, we have the power to change our brains. Our capacity for neuroplasticity (got a ring to it, right?) means we can, over time, adapt our patterns of thinking and behaving, and even adopt new ones.
So, expanding on the theme of radical unsubscribing, I wanted to share an exercise from my coaching resource library (which you get access to when you work with me!).
I first learned about the NAT to PET ladder during my coaching training, and I still use it with clients to this day. The idea is to play with “unsubscribing” from our NATs (negative automatic thoughts) and replacing them with PETs (positive empowering thoughts). It comes from the evidence-based school of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), which explores how our emotions, thoughts, and actions are connected, and seeks to develop alternative ways of thinking, behaving, or responding.
And yes, I cannot speak about it without thinking of natural wine.
Using the NAT to PET (or Pet Nat) ladder to shift the way you think
In CBT, NATs refer to all the pesky, worrisome and sometimes irrational thoughts that pop into your head when you’d really rather they didn’t. These can lead to difficult emotions or unhelpful patterns of behaviour, like triggering stress or self-doubt.
For example, let’s say you’re having a call with a new client, and they ask you a question you don’t know the answer to.
“They’ll think I’m stupid” squeaks the voice in your head. You start to feel stressed and deliver a somewhat garbled response (also known as blagging it), which fails to mask the indisputable fact that you do not know the answer.
It’s very difficult to stop a NAT in its tracks when we are in a high-stakes, pressurised situation. But if you experience the same pattern playing out again and again, it might be worth doing some deeper digging.
Enter: the three-step method that I like to call spot, plot and swap. Mainly because it sounds like a fun breakfast cereal.
You can try using it to reframe less helpful thoughts into kinder, more reasonable, and more productive ones.
Step 1: Spot the NAT
The first stage is to simply become aware of our negative automatic thoughts.
The act of noticing can hold enormous power in itself, since most of us are too busy to even be conscious of what’s driving our emotions and behaviours. When we slow down enough to hear our thoughts, it begins to create some distance and detachment from them. In other words, they don’t have to define us.
So if you repeatedly emerge from client meetings feeling flustered and frustrated, try taking a moment to reflect on what you where thinking during the conversation—without judgment, just noticing.
It might help to say the thoughts out loud or write them down. Hearing or seeing them can give you a bit of perspective on whether they are, in fact, true.
Step 2: Plot the NAT
Once you’ve starting spotting your NATs, you might notice that they follow similar messages and patterns:
What if they think I’m stupid?
I wish I’d come up with a better answer.
Everyone else is cleverer than me!
This is because our thoughts are rooted in our core beliefs.
A belief is a story we hold to be true. These stories come from messages we’ve internalised in the course of our lives. Some of them may be helpful and life-affirming. Others can be unhelpful or “limiting”.
A limiting belief is a story we hold to be true, which holds us back from what we really want.
In this case, the core belief might be I’m not clever enough (and they often do follow an “I’m not ___ enough” pattern). And it’s stopping you from building relationships with potential clients (and actually, you probably are still getting the clients—maybe you simply want to feel less stressed in those meetings).
We’re not aiming to get rid of these beliefs, as they’re often deeply ingrained in our psyches. But plotting your NATs against them can give you some useful extra context. And over time, that self-awareness can breed greater self-compassion.
Step 3: Swap the NAT
This is where we can let ourselves imagine what it would be like to rewrite the script. And don’t worry, I’m not going to suggest you recite positive affirmations in the mirror.
In fact, the reason positive affirmations can make us squirm is that they’re a bit too disconnected from how we see ourselves, and who we really are.
For example, jumping from “They’ll think I’m stupid” to “I am a genius, they WILL think I’m amazing!!!” might actually make you feel more stupid: a) because it’s what we imagine Trump might say to himself in the mirror each morning, and b) because of the Paradoxical Theory of Change, which we explored in last month’s Loose Guide:
Essentially, the idea is that the harder we try to force change—whether in ourselves or others—the less “successful” we will be.
Paradoxically, when we accept our present reality, and ourselves as we are, that’s when genuine change becomes possible.
Instead, the ladder technique helps us work towards progressively more positive, empowering thoughts (PETs) that feel believable and attainable.
Continuing with our example, let’s see how we could climb a few rungs up the thought ladder:
Bottom of the ladder (NAT): “I don’t know the answer, they’ll think I’m stupid.”
First rung: “It’s okay to not know the answer.”
Second rung: “Not knowing the answer gives me an opportunity to show honesty and curiosity.”
Third rung: “Admitting I don’t know the answer actually builds trust.”
Top of the ladder (PET): “I don’t need to know every answer. What matters is how I respond.”
It takes time and practice to train your brain to travel up the ladder. And it’s okay if the NAT still pops up.
The idea is to slowly get better at spotting the negative thought before you spiral into stress. And practice swapping it for thoughts that can help you respond from a calmer place. So you could confidently say: “That’s a great question. Could you tell me more about XYZ to help me answer it?” or “I’d like to look into that and get back to you”.
A few extra tips to put this into practice:
If you’re not sure where a NAT is coming from, a curious, non-judgmental chat with the part that’s piping up can help unearth the core belief (check out the 6 Fs exercise in this post for guidance).
Make sure the PETs you’re swapping in feel believable and attainable. Thoughts you genuinely want to have, not thoughts you think you should have.
Get curious about situations, environments or people that seem to trigger your NATs (e.g. meetings with a certain coworker, or scrolling on social media). What could you do to prepare for these moments? If healthy and realistic, could you remove yourself from certain dynamics or spaces?
Changing our thoughts can change how feel towards ourselves, and how we move through the world. And the more you change the input, the more likely it is that you’ll get a different outcome—helping you build up a body of evidence to challenge those core beliefs, and write new stories.
Let me know if you give it a try!
With thanks to the Animas Centre for Coaching for training materials that inspired this post.
Ways to work with me:
1:1 coaching
If you’d like deeper, personalised support exploring tools like this, I work with:
Recovering high achievers at a Crossroads in their lives and careers
Independent spirits who need a Sounding Board to navigate the rollercoaster ride of self-employment
Drop me a message or book a call if you’d like to chat.
Messy Club
I started Loose Guides as a way to share all my nerdy coaching psychology study—because a) I wish I’d learned all of this stuff in school instead of piddling about with Bunsen burners, and b) I know not everyone can afford 1:1 coaching or therapy.
As I chat to more of you lovely subscribers, I’ve been thinking about how to provide a more intimate and regular level of support that’s still accessible. So this Sunday (5th October), I’m going to be opening the doors to the Messy Club subscriber chat.
I’ll be sharing coaching-led journalling prompts to help you do your own messy work. Our first batch will be on the theme of this month’s Messy Essay on radical unsubscribing.
If that sounds like something you’d value, stay tuned…
About Messy Work
Messy Work is a monthly ‘magazine’ for deep thinkers, big feelers, and more-to-lifers. Once a month, I pop by with a Messy Essay, a Loose Guide, and Ideas People. The rest of the month, I’ll leave you and your inbox alone.