31 lessons I'm learning in my 30s

A birthday special 🎈

Oct 27, 2024

Before we begin, I just wanted to say a huge, gushing thanks to all of you BRILLIANT people who subscribe to Messy Work ❤️ This week, we hit 100 subscribers, which means that on top of all my loyal friends and family members who may or may not be here voluntarily, lots of you are glamorous strangers who are here *by choice*. Honestly, it keeps me hitting publish every other Sunday. Thank you for your unerring validation 🙏

On Wednesday, I turned 31. Despite fulfilling almost every other writerly stereotype (ink stains, posturing in coffee shops, grammatical pedantry, brooding, etc.), it has come to my attention that I’ve somehow made it this far into a new decade without compiling a list of 30 witty (but deep) things I have learned. About life. Love. Laundry. Skincare.

Well, according to an article I am convinced I read but now can’t find, the listicle is apparently back. Giving me the green light to join the wave of Substackers prising it from Buzzfeed’s greedy tentacles, and regale you with my poor attempts at Wilde-isms. There’s just one problem…

The mess

The truth is, I am never really sure if I’ve learned anything at all.

Life may trick me into thinking I have. But invariably, no sooner have I reached my latest epiphany than the rug is pulled out from under me. I’m forced to wipe the smug smile from my face and (shock horror) change my mind.

That’s why I’m here, writing this Substack. It’s always messy work getting to the “truth” of things—if there even is one.

Make it make sense

I’ve found this particularly pertinent to this time in my life.

There’s perhaps a pervasive myth that as soon as you hit thirty, everything magically falls into place. And maybe, for some people, it does. But for me, it’s mainly just felt like—well, falling.

Less a building up—of confidence, “success”, composure, or any of the other things we’re supposed to possess in our thirties—and more of a peeling back. To figure out who I really am and what I really want, as the answers keep evolving.

The other week, I was catching up with a coaching colleague who’s the same age as me. We were reflecting on what a weird—and destabilising—period of change and growth this is.

The conversation turned to the problem of comparison, and how the chasms between our own choices and those of our friends can be hard pills to swallow. She said something that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since: we rarely get to see how other people make their choices.

We only see the smooth, shiny outcome, not the deliberating, agonising or sacrifice that goes into their decision-making—whether it’s moving far away, changing careers, having kids, or getting married.

From the outside, it may seem like someone has their shit together. But however we end up answering them, the same questions probably keep all of us up at night: am I doing the right thing, should I have done this instead, what have I lost, what do I stand to gain?

The work

30 saw me qualify as a coach, start a new business and move back to my favourite city. Writing that feels weird. Not just because I’m a British woman who lives in fear of being immodest, but because I’m quite surprised by how much action I have taken. Whereas behind-the-scenes, it’s mostly just felt like a big soup of overthinking, second-guessing and hoping for the best.

Yet it’s actually that—not the tangible outcomes—that I want to celebrate. One of the truths I do feel sure of is that growth is an unfolding process, which requires us to embrace the falling, rather than resist it.

So instead of a list of things I have learned this year, here’s a list of things I am learning.

I’ll start with 31. How about you comment with the rest?

31 things I am learning in my 30s

I am relieved that my twenties (and tens) are over. Never again will I*:

Wear a thin jersey mini-skirt, purchased from H&M in five different shades of tacky
Think it’s a good idea to mix rum and rosé (in the same drink, just to clarify)
Ask the DJ to play Drake
Quietly vomit into my clutch in the back of a taxi
Message an ex on LinkedIn
Choose the company of someone who wishes to convince me that astrology “isn’t real” over my own (neither are video games, babe)

*Although I cannot lay claim to all of these accomplishments, they are true stories from the WhatsApp group.

I am terrified that my twenties are over. What if I never…

Stay out until sunrise
Dance on a table
Ask the DJ to play Drake
Live in a house full of women
Have this much collagen

…ever again?

Confidence might not be something you can “build”. Unless it’s like the Leaning Tower of Pisa—structurally sound, but a little bit wobbly. Depending on a whole host of internal and external factors, it fluctuates. And that’s OK.
Bodies also fluctuate. However much I try to channel RiRi, it’s not always possible to take pleasure in that. That’s OK too.
Time is sort of the greatest healer. But, to paraphrase a quote from The Outrun, that doesn’t mean things get easier; they just get less hard. And sometimes, the more distance we have from something, the more painful it gets—because we now have a deeper understanding of what went wrong.
Speaking of which, most people don’t have a clue what to do about their ex. Whether it was twenty years ago or a month ago, whether we’re happily/unhappily single or married, lots of us struggle to know where to put all these baffling, unwieldy feelings towards them.

Parents are children too. Their parents’ and, as you get older, yours.
Rather than solving all your problems, finding love creates new ones—but there’s so much beauty in tackling them together.
Beneath the layers of nurturing, caretaking, accommodating, strength and softness, a lot of women are quite f*cking angry. We should do something with that anger.
Regrettably, all the things that are supposed to be good for your mental health—long walks, eight hours of sleep, healthy meals, exercise, meditation—are actually quite good for your mental health.
Meditation is really bloody hard.
There is never enough time; you have to make it anyway.
Even more regrettably, we do have *some* control over our stress and can’t simply blame it all on other people. Yes, your coworker is annoying, your boss is a nightmare, your partner has hung their towel on the top of the door instead of the towel rail again. But ultimately, you get to decide what’s important (without discounting the very real and very valid, deep-rooted scripts and traumas that can shape our stress responses).
Studying these psychological drivers is very interesting and helpful. But if you can’t be arsed, just read ‘This Be The Verse’.
Being a woman in your thirties is not exactly like being on Sex And The City. I don’t know anyone who has a chosen a creative career and also has an extensive collection of Fendi baguettes. I have still not been invited to the Hamptons or to write a column for Vogue. And unfortunately, I have not yet had the chance (or the bravery) to invoice someone for a pair of Manolo Blahniks. Instead, it’s more likely you’ll be:

Investing all of your savings and annual leave into hen dos and destination weddings
Trying to repress the thought that it might be a step backwards for feminism to “surprise” a grown woman about to sign a legally binding contract with what is essentially sports day for adults
Revenge-plotting your own ridiculous hen do and destination wedding
Wondering if you should freeze your eggs
Wondering if you should light a joint, sell all your worldly possessions and book a one-way ticket to Costa Rica

One cannot simply have it all. There are usually tradeoffs.
If something is making you unhappy, it’s probably best to leave—just make sure you are clear on the why.
How to do laundry.

How to poach an egg (especially if you don’t have any vinegar).
The exact amount of time it takes to boil an egg so that it’s not too hard but not too runny (I think it’s five minutes).
How to let go of control.
How to release anger.
How to sit with sadness.
How to use envy as a compass, rather than being embittered by it.
How to find joy—without downing a pint of rum and rosé and misspelling “PlAy DRaKe” in your iPhone notes.
Trauma is much more widespread than we like to admit. Trying to reduce it or contain it—whether through a TikTok video that talks about it like a cute accessory or rigid medical definitions—is never very helpful. From abuse, to neglect, to heartbreak, to death, to toxic workplaces, to a global pandemic, as long as we don’t talk about it (and allow others to talk about it), we will continue to suffer or feel stuck.
Much of what troubles us can be traced back to the “not-good-enough” wound we all carry on some level (even if it’s too deep for us to recognise it).
Setting ourselves lofty goals can keep us more stagnant than if we do nothing at all. Gestalt’s Paradoxical Theory of Change tends to stop my coaching clients in their tracks: change happens when we accepts who we are, not when we try to become something we are not.
Our very “worst” qualities are also our best.
There may not be any “right” or “best” decisions; just decisions.
Lists help me self-soothe when I am worrying about ageing.

OK, maybe I have learned something after all…

Your turn

Whether you’re 23, 33 or 103, what are you learning as you navigate your current decade? I would love to hear from you in the comments. Let’s make this the biggest listicle Substack has ever seen.