I totally believe that where we live shapes who we are. And quite frankly, how happy you are! I actually had many conversation with fellow Substackers over the past couple of weeks about this and wrote about it too. Maybe the search for the right place isn’t about chasing happiness, but about giving ourselves the best possible conditions to thrive. Why force ourselves to be happy in places that drain us when we have the freedom to seek out environments that energize us?
PS: I wrote one that essentially covers this exact topic last year! After years of hopping around, I’ve realized how important (and possible it is in the first place) to actively find a place that brings out the best version of myself:
I've mostly had conversations on Notes but will keep my eyes peeled for more newsletters on this topic. I currently live in Berlin but am planning a move to Portugal within the next year.
As someone who has done exactly the same, I loved reading this so much. 🫶 I do wonder how many people really sit and think about where they want to live. So often we just end up staying in places that circumstances dropped us off at…
Thank you, Hannah! I'm so glad this resonated, as it led me to discover your gorgeous Substack. I just listened to your post on ditching self-development books, which was SO relatable! Loading up my Kindle with some good old fashioned fiction for my holiday next week (recommendations welcome)
Loved reading this post! I moved to London from Belgium six years ago. Living in London was always my biggest dream. London, to me, was the best place on earth. And in many ways I still feel that way, but whereas before I could not imagine why anyone would ever want to leave, I can definitely see that now. What you get for the money you pay is very sad, not just in terms of size but also the service, quality and maintenance of housing. I've lived in big cities in a few countries and as much as I love London, the standard of living and the complete level of negligence sometimes is really shocking. The rich-poor divide in the UK is also so much more obvious than for example in Belgium.
I think many of us (and I've been more guilty of this than anyone) have this idea that London is the backdrop to our fancy, romantic main character lives, and that living somewhere else feels a little bit...less main character-y. Even though that's absolutely not true.
I actually live near Stockwell and I love the area but a couple of incidents have definitely changed how I go about my day as well and like you said, I'm often just very on edge when I'm by myself, but then I think I would probably have that in most places now. I also agree with what you said about London post-pandemic. It seems like it has all become a bit more difficult. Sometimes I have moments where I think about how much more I would get for the same money, even in a different European city. But then on days when the sun's out I'm walking through London I remember why I fell in love with it all those years ago and I know that I don't want to be anywhere else, at least for now.
So yes I completely get you, I think it all depends on where you are in life and there's no wrong choices!
Completely! Love what you said about the main character narrative—I think that's a big driver for people moving to London. And understandably! As you say, London has its moments :)
I know what you mean - I lived in London for 5 years in my 20s (a long time ago now!) and it definitely had an expiry date. For me it was a case of needing the security of owning a home, and there was no way we could afford one in London so we moved out to Milton Keynes and then from there, after a few years, to Edinburgh - which I think in many ways is also in the Bristol and Brighton category. Or maybe that's because I was born in Brighton.
I loved London for the first few years. It was exciting, and there was history round every corner, and I worked with a great group of people, and married one of them. I still enjoy visiting it from time to time, and walking about the South Bank, and going to the museums, and I like to think I would return to Hampstead Heath or Alexandra Park one day. But I couldn't live there again.
I just got back from a short visit to London and agree that it's best enjoyed as a tourist! I love both Edinburgh and Brighton—all three cities definitely have a similar spirit :)
My partner and I left London at the end of 2023 after 14 years of it being our home, and it’s easily one of best decisions we have ever made (in hindsight only, at the time it was a horrific combination of anxiety and self doubt)! I don’t know if where we are now will be our forever home, but it’s definitely better for us than London!
When you wrote ‘London never seemed to recover its unique essence post-pandemic’ that really summed it up for me! I’m not sure I ever loved living there, and I certainly didn’t anticipate staying for as long as I did, but there was some kind of symbiosis that allowed it to work all those years, which after the pandemic never felt the same, it just began to feel hard and tiring all the time!
I came to London from Bath for “2-3 years max”. Roll on 13 years and I am still here. I have moved around a fair bit and finally feel very settled in a leafy corner of SE but I do find myself fantasising about one day moving somewhere else. But not enough to do it, yet. London has definitely changed and I think you need a certain amount of steel to endure it but I still love living here as exhausting as it can be and I’ll still never understand why it takes so long to get to Walthamstow. I hope your new life in Bristol brings you joy 🫶🏼
Thank you, Lizzie ☺️ And likewise—I'm firmly a South London gal and it has so many wonderful points if you have that steel. I'm kinda looking forward to visiting as a "tourist" now!
This really resonated with me. The first months of moving from Aus to London was hard. Then it became fun and reckless and exhilarating - all hinge dates, drunk nights and constantly exploring the city on expensive but very “London” excursions. But 8 years later, I realised all those things are no longer important. Community spirit, a bit of sun, and the space to be free instead of guarded would make everyday feel so different.
Thanks for sharing - and for giving me another reason to think about leaving (and feel less alone for it!)
I lived in London in my early 20s, and I loved the chaos, the nightlife, and the feeling that everyone was always speeding past. It was the early 2000s, and I lived within walking distance of my closest friends in Hackney. Times have changed! I live in Melbourne now, after a stint in Sydney, and the second I arrived it just felt like home - like a smaller, sunnier, friendlier London. As the years have gone on, I think it’s increasingly less likely that I’ll ever move back - even though when I left, it was for ‘just a year’ to travel! Place is hugely important, and our true home is often not the place we were born 💜
As a Bristol native, I’d love a whole post about how great it is!! I’ve always lived in Bristol, I left the country to go travelling with the expectation that when I return it would be to London and only London… However after almost a year of being away, I feel the Bristol pull.
Similarly to others here, this article found me at the right time. I left London 8 months ago, and moved to Bristol, without a job, a partner or a home network to pull me here.
I still find myself connected to London by threads of friendship, work, and a nostalgia for that perfect summer of 2018 that will probably never be repeated again. As you said Bristol is a place people move to because they *want* to be here, and to figure out who they are. I think I'm still in that, but I'm hopeful of who I am here, vs the who I was there.
I had a very similar experience to London and is now one of the reasons I’m leaving to move to Kyoto. It was death by a thousand cuts. I’m absolutely sick of deliveroo riders speeding through pedestrian crossings, sick of a coffee and a pastry costing £10, sick of the dirt; the mess; the noise, I can’t stand pedestrians walking right out in front of me when I’m cycling, and I don’t want to see another person ever having their phone snatched out of their hands by a hooded guy on a bike. I’m tired of it all! I lived here 15 years ago followed by a long break of not living in the city and it’s radically changed in that time. It’s not the same like you say, and the only people I know who like this city and who are comfortable now are the people who moved here before it changed into this s**thole. Good luck on your travels back to Bristol! Hope you find what you’re looking for 🙏🍃🤞
Strangely, this is exactly what I needed to read at this very moment in time.
I left the UK 8 years ago with no plan and fast forward to now, I am married, living in a gorgeous part of the world, close to the sea, but deep in the forest, on a farm! (All align with my values of who I am - totally needed to see that list)
But since I had my first (and last) baby 6 months ago I have this incredible self doubt and urge to run back to UK? I haven't missed it once in those 8 years.
Everyday I negatively chunter away in my own head about how my life would be easier 'back home' - literally I have nothing there.
Needless to say I can't shake the feeling. But I have realised, thanks to your post, that I am running from myself. I no longer like how I think (being a mum is so cool BUT the lack of sleep and hormones really make me feel shitty quite frankly).
Going home would only make it worse and now I finally realise that THIS IS MY HOME. My thoughts are the problem. Not the location!
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Hannah. I can only imagine how much having a baby must throw off your sense of identity/home. Thanks for sharing <3
you are not alone Lucia. listening to your heart and moving to where you feel the most alive is everything. our lives are too short to be stuck in a place that makes us sad, right? my wife and I were crazy enough to bring our kids to London all the way from Hong Kong back in 2022. I guess you know a wave of HKers moved to the UK in recent years. but after about two years, we asked ourselves if this is the pace for us. I missed the sunshine, the mountains, the ocean, my parents, and friends back home. so one night as we were chatting after the kids went to bed, the answer was clear, and we came home last summer. i remember sitting in Castle Park, looking at River Avon, feeling calm and at ease. I hope you will find peace in your new home.
I feel similarly. When I was younger coming up to London was exciting. Now it feels tiring, dangerous, and dirty. I live in the boring suburbs but have no appetite to spend more time in town than work absolutely demands. Even the London suburb I live in has gone from well heeled and safe to whatever the opposite of gentrification is. Lack of live music venues is a crying shame too.
I enjoyed reading this and I resonate deeply! I actually wrote my first piece on Substack about living between London and NZ where I’m from (I can work from anywhere too) and I truly think the only way I can handle London now is because I don’t fully live there! I feel very lucky to be able to have a best of both worlds situation but I can also gradually feel a pull to somewhere close to the sea with community at its heart one day. Or who knows maybe I’ll “home-hop” forever. I went to Bristol last year for the first time and loved it - I get why you’re moving back - vibes were great and the people very friendly!
I totally believe that where we live shapes who we are. And quite frankly, how happy you are! I actually had many conversation with fellow Substackers over the past couple of weeks about this and wrote about it too. Maybe the search for the right place isn’t about chasing happiness, but about giving ourselves the best possible conditions to thrive. Why force ourselves to be happy in places that drain us when we have the freedom to seek out environments that energize us?
I love that synchronicity, Katharina! Will definitely go and read your piece—any other posts you've seen on this topic?
I totally agree—and that distinction is an important one to make. Where do you live?
PS: I wrote one that essentially covers this exact topic last year! After years of hopping around, I’ve realized how important (and possible it is in the first place) to actively find a place that brings out the best version of myself:
https://www.extracurricularpursuits.com/p/happiness-odds
I've mostly had conversations on Notes but will keep my eyes peeled for more newsletters on this topic. I currently live in Berlin but am planning a move to Portugal within the next year.
Ah amazing! I'm planning a trip to Portugal later this year and can't wait to explore :)
As someone who has done exactly the same, I loved reading this so much. 🫶 I do wonder how many people really sit and think about where they want to live. So often we just end up staying in places that circumstances dropped us off at…
Thank you, Hannah! I'm so glad this resonated, as it led me to discover your gorgeous Substack. I just listened to your post on ditching self-development books, which was SO relatable! Loading up my Kindle with some good old fashioned fiction for my holiday next week (recommendations welcome)
Ahhh thank you so much, Lucia! Just finished reading Nothing to See Here by Kevin Wilson which was 10/10
Loved reading this post! I moved to London from Belgium six years ago. Living in London was always my biggest dream. London, to me, was the best place on earth. And in many ways I still feel that way, but whereas before I could not imagine why anyone would ever want to leave, I can definitely see that now. What you get for the money you pay is very sad, not just in terms of size but also the service, quality and maintenance of housing. I've lived in big cities in a few countries and as much as I love London, the standard of living and the complete level of negligence sometimes is really shocking. The rich-poor divide in the UK is also so much more obvious than for example in Belgium.
I think many of us (and I've been more guilty of this than anyone) have this idea that London is the backdrop to our fancy, romantic main character lives, and that living somewhere else feels a little bit...less main character-y. Even though that's absolutely not true.
I actually live near Stockwell and I love the area but a couple of incidents have definitely changed how I go about my day as well and like you said, I'm often just very on edge when I'm by myself, but then I think I would probably have that in most places now. I also agree with what you said about London post-pandemic. It seems like it has all become a bit more difficult. Sometimes I have moments where I think about how much more I would get for the same money, even in a different European city. But then on days when the sun's out I'm walking through London I remember why I fell in love with it all those years ago and I know that I don't want to be anywhere else, at least for now.
So yes I completely get you, I think it all depends on where you are in life and there's no wrong choices!
Completely! Love what you said about the main character narrative—I think that's a big driver for people moving to London. And understandably! As you say, London has its moments :)
I know what you mean - I lived in London for 5 years in my 20s (a long time ago now!) and it definitely had an expiry date. For me it was a case of needing the security of owning a home, and there was no way we could afford one in London so we moved out to Milton Keynes and then from there, after a few years, to Edinburgh - which I think in many ways is also in the Bristol and Brighton category. Or maybe that's because I was born in Brighton.
I loved London for the first few years. It was exciting, and there was history round every corner, and I worked with a great group of people, and married one of them. I still enjoy visiting it from time to time, and walking about the South Bank, and going to the museums, and I like to think I would return to Hampstead Heath or Alexandra Park one day. But I couldn't live there again.
I just got back from a short visit to London and agree that it's best enjoyed as a tourist! I love both Edinburgh and Brighton—all three cities definitely have a similar spirit :)
My partner and I left London at the end of 2023 after 14 years of it being our home, and it’s easily one of best decisions we have ever made (in hindsight only, at the time it was a horrific combination of anxiety and self doubt)! I don’t know if where we are now will be our forever home, but it’s definitely better for us than London!
When you wrote ‘London never seemed to recover its unique essence post-pandemic’ that really summed it up for me! I’m not sure I ever loved living there, and I certainly didn’t anticipate staying for as long as I did, but there was some kind of symbiosis that allowed it to work all those years, which after the pandemic never felt the same, it just began to feel hard and tiring all the time!
Great post!
I came to London from Bath for “2-3 years max”. Roll on 13 years and I am still here. I have moved around a fair bit and finally feel very settled in a leafy corner of SE but I do find myself fantasising about one day moving somewhere else. But not enough to do it, yet. London has definitely changed and I think you need a certain amount of steel to endure it but I still love living here as exhausting as it can be and I’ll still never understand why it takes so long to get to Walthamstow. I hope your new life in Bristol brings you joy 🫶🏼
Thank you, Lizzie ☺️ And likewise—I'm firmly a South London gal and it has so many wonderful points if you have that steel. I'm kinda looking forward to visiting as a "tourist" now!
P.S. I am yet to make the trek to Walthamstow 😂
I live in Hackney and it still takes ages to get to Walthamstow!
This really resonated with me. The first months of moving from Aus to London was hard. Then it became fun and reckless and exhilarating - all hinge dates, drunk nights and constantly exploring the city on expensive but very “London” excursions. But 8 years later, I realised all those things are no longer important. Community spirit, a bit of sun, and the space to be free instead of guarded would make everyday feel so different.
Thanks for sharing - and for giving me another reason to think about leaving (and feel less alone for it!)
I lived in London in my early 20s, and I loved the chaos, the nightlife, and the feeling that everyone was always speeding past. It was the early 2000s, and I lived within walking distance of my closest friends in Hackney. Times have changed! I live in Melbourne now, after a stint in Sydney, and the second I arrived it just felt like home - like a smaller, sunnier, friendlier London. As the years have gone on, I think it’s increasingly less likely that I’ll ever move back - even though when I left, it was for ‘just a year’ to travel! Place is hugely important, and our true home is often not the place we were born 💜
As a Bristol native, I’d love a whole post about how great it is!! I’ve always lived in Bristol, I left the country to go travelling with the expectation that when I return it would be to London and only London… However after almost a year of being away, I feel the Bristol pull.
Similarly to others here, this article found me at the right time. I left London 8 months ago, and moved to Bristol, without a job, a partner or a home network to pull me here.
I still find myself connected to London by threads of friendship, work, and a nostalgia for that perfect summer of 2018 that will probably never be repeated again. As you said Bristol is a place people move to because they *want* to be here, and to figure out who they are. I think I'm still in that, but I'm hopeful of who I am here, vs the who I was there.
Hey Han, I'm so glad this post found you! And if you ever fancy a coffee, please do drop me a message :) I'm also slowly building a network here! x
I had a very similar experience to London and is now one of the reasons I’m leaving to move to Kyoto. It was death by a thousand cuts. I’m absolutely sick of deliveroo riders speeding through pedestrian crossings, sick of a coffee and a pastry costing £10, sick of the dirt; the mess; the noise, I can’t stand pedestrians walking right out in front of me when I’m cycling, and I don’t want to see another person ever having their phone snatched out of their hands by a hooded guy on a bike. I’m tired of it all! I lived here 15 years ago followed by a long break of not living in the city and it’s radically changed in that time. It’s not the same like you say, and the only people I know who like this city and who are comfortable now are the people who moved here before it changed into this s**thole. Good luck on your travels back to Bristol! Hope you find what you’re looking for 🙏🍃🤞
Thank you, and likewise in Kyoto—what an exciting new chapter!
Strangely, this is exactly what I needed to read at this very moment in time.
I left the UK 8 years ago with no plan and fast forward to now, I am married, living in a gorgeous part of the world, close to the sea, but deep in the forest, on a farm! (All align with my values of who I am - totally needed to see that list)
But since I had my first (and last) baby 6 months ago I have this incredible self doubt and urge to run back to UK? I haven't missed it once in those 8 years.
Everyday I negatively chunter away in my own head about how my life would be easier 'back home' - literally I have nothing there.
Needless to say I can't shake the feeling. But I have realised, thanks to your post, that I am running from myself. I no longer like how I think (being a mum is so cool BUT the lack of sleep and hormones really make me feel shitty quite frankly).
Going home would only make it worse and now I finally realise that THIS IS MY HOME. My thoughts are the problem. Not the location!
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Hannah. I can only imagine how much having a baby must throw off your sense of identity/home. Thanks for sharing <3
you are not alone Lucia. listening to your heart and moving to where you feel the most alive is everything. our lives are too short to be stuck in a place that makes us sad, right? my wife and I were crazy enough to bring our kids to London all the way from Hong Kong back in 2022. I guess you know a wave of HKers moved to the UK in recent years. but after about two years, we asked ourselves if this is the pace for us. I missed the sunshine, the mountains, the ocean, my parents, and friends back home. so one night as we were chatting after the kids went to bed, the answer was clear, and we came home last summer. i remember sitting in Castle Park, looking at River Avon, feeling calm and at ease. I hope you will find peace in your new home.
Likewise, Franco :)
I feel similarly. When I was younger coming up to London was exciting. Now it feels tiring, dangerous, and dirty. I live in the boring suburbs but have no appetite to spend more time in town than work absolutely demands. Even the London suburb I live in has gone from well heeled and safe to whatever the opposite of gentrification is. Lack of live music venues is a crying shame too.
Agree re the music scene—feels way less vibrant than it used to.
If I could convince the other half to leave London I’d leave in a heartbeat, it’s gone to shit.
Ps you got told you have a voice radio, I get told I have a face for radio. Same right?
I enjoyed reading this and I resonate deeply! I actually wrote my first piece on Substack about living between London and NZ where I’m from (I can work from anywhere too) and I truly think the only way I can handle London now is because I don’t fully live there! I feel very lucky to be able to have a best of both worlds situation but I can also gradually feel a pull to somewhere close to the sea with community at its heart one day. Or who knows maybe I’ll “home-hop” forever. I went to Bristol last year for the first time and loved it - I get why you’re moving back - vibes were great and the people very friendly!